The struggle for authenticity
How much do we censor ourselves in life? If you are anything like me, after some reflection you’ll realise that many things you think, do and feel are due to the expectations of others. Some of this arises from duty and from love - for instance, if you are married with kids, like me, then your available actions are constrained through the love of them.
But, to be honest, most of my own constraints aren’t due to love but rather to fear; fear of other people’s opinions. On reflection of my own life, I see anxieties and fears arising constantly due to old programming about what others may think of me. Thankfully these days I can better let these feelings come and go, but I won’t deny that they still constrain my behaviour at times.
Are you afraid of public speaking like me? That is a prime example of worrying about what others think of us. I can dread an upcoming public presentation for literally weeks or months ahead. What a waste of energy! Because of this, my being becomes heavier, and, when I am not recollected, it stops me from living the light-footed joy of the children of God.
Many Christian mystics and saints (and, of course, other sages from other traditions) have talked about the importance of 1. disregarding the opinions of others and 2. living as if just you and God existed.
For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Galatians 1:10
The question arises: does the disregarding of other’s opinions of us make us callous or cruel towards others? I don’t think that necessarily follows. Instead it can free others of the responsibility of trying to make you happy. For if our happiness is in any way predicated on the thoughts of others, that will naturally flow to those around us, and they may then have the burden of trying to behave in ways that try to ensure your happiness.
This way of living can also free us to make the hard decisions in our relationships with others that we would not otherwise make.
In this culture, I think we sometimes equate charity or love with warm feelings towards others. But actually, the highest form of love is a detached or disinterested love - I will do what I can for you, and you don’t have to worry about doing anything for me.
Think about it this way - if we are joyful no matter what, because we are free from attachments to other’s opinions or to limited created goods, are we going to be more responsive to the needs of others or less? Surely if we are not burdened by our own psychological needs we will be of more use to others, and we wouldn’t require them to reward us psychologically in any way in return.
So what’s the solution?
I think the solution is to be more aware and recollected of the thoughts and feelings rising up within. It is the taking note of all the old programs, that have been drilled into us by society for years, and seeing them for what they are. Or, in the words of Anthony De Mello, the solution is “awareness, awareness, awareness”.
Half the problem is that we are never recollected, and therefore we get caught up in the destructive cycle of thoughts → negative feelings → more dire thoughts and so on. We respond like robots: stimulus, response, stimulus, response. There is never any space between the stimulus and response in which we take charge of our lives, rather than just running on automatic programs. There is never any space where the mysterious phenomenon of awareness can infuse its power.
Then we can realise that there is much more to us than the stream of consciousness, the bubbling up of thoughts from who-knows-where. Random thoughts can turn out to be no more consequential than the sounds of the birds in the trees.
So anyway, I’m going to make a concerted effort to act more authentically, and therefore be more free and joyful. All it takes is not taking oneself too seriously!