The importance of self-inquiry
As our cause at each and every moment of our existence, God is intimately present to us at all times. There is a sense in which we say our being, finite as it is, nevertheless opens out into the infinity of God, into the desert of his unrestricted being.
We are the branches to his vine (John 15:5). On one level, the branch can be considered separable and distinct from the vine, but on another level, there is no discontinuity between the two. One flows into the other.
Christ said that he has revealed this to the disciples so that “my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.” Therefore this understanding that we are intimately related to our cause isn’t meant to be a dry abstract theory. It is the communication of Christ’s own joy to us. As such, this connection to God is not forensic, but a channel down which we may travel, to enter into God’s own joy. God’s being and our being open up into each other, and that means God’s own peace and joy can flow into our own lives.
How do we find this “channel” into which we may “travel” to God and God may “travel” to us?
It is ultimately a work of grace, but the theological axiom is always that grace builds on nature. So an investigation of our nature is a fruitful avenue to begin our exploration of this “channel”, and at the opportune time, we may have faith that God will burst onto the scene and enlighten our minds, in a moment of breakthrough.
So where do we begin with an investigation of our own nature?
The direct path of self-enquiry
A theologian may take this as their cue to start describing, in a theoretical way, all the various capabilities of human nature that we can learn from reason. But here I am concerned with how to discover Christ’s joy in us - Christ’s joy is not an idea but an experience. We want to “taste and see the goodness of God” not merely cogitate about it.
Therefore we must start with the basic facts of our experience and hence must turn inwards to examine our subjectivity; we must examine its true nature, prior to any other pre-conceived understandings or revelation. If the reader is a Christian, like me, who is cautious of doing this, it is difficult to see a reason God would have against us thoroughly investigating the nature he gave each human being, including the human nature of Christ.
First, as I have discussed elsewhere, we must contend with thoughts. If we sit quietly and do our best just to watch our thoughts, we will discover that they come and go “on their own”. There is often no willing involved. Some spontaneously arise out of who-knows-where, others follow on inductively from previous thoughts and so on.
The predominant content of our thoughts varies as widely as individuals vary. But often they are based around time. Either looking forward and trying to imagine what the future may be like, trying to plan one’s actions in response to a mental image, or unpacking and analysing past events.
In addition to this, emotional feelings are invariably tied up with thoughts. The causality seems to flow both ways - I have discussed this before. There may be something that happens that we are conditioned to respond emotionally to - let’s say, our boss asks us to do a job we are tired of. Immediately emotional feelings might arise such as anger, anxiety or frustration. These feelings then lead to attendant thoughts, which may, in turn, reinforce the feelings.
Alternatively, a random thought may arise and trigger a feeling. Perhaps something like “I can’t handle this” and feelings respond. Or alternatively, we may think “how good is my life! Thank you God!” and positive feelings are the result.
In summary, then, our interior life and experience contain thoughts which:
Often arise spontaneously without our will being involved,
Have to do with time - past or present and,
Are linked with emotions in both directions of causality
These interactions and phenomena take up most of the interior life for the ordinary person.
Is that the extent of our natural way of perceiving and living?
Between our thoughts
What happens between our thoughts? That space we experience if we are attentive enough. This is something that must be investigated by the inquirer. There are many techniques to try to experience this state - focusing on breathing, listening to the sounds around you, searching the sensations of the body, etc.
What is going on in these moments without thoughts - is there still perception going on? Are we still aware?
Yes, of course. But what is the content of our awareness? It could be a sensation, a visual field, a sound, or nothing. What is it that is aware in such states? There is a mysterious observer that “watches” the goings-on in the internal stage of perception. This “observer” is the seat of our conscious experience, and it is worthwhile taking the effort to find oneself there.
When we do these exercises we can, in a sense, “step back” into the role of this observer and be aware of all sorts of things crossing our experience. Thoughts, sensations, sounds, sights, smells etc. Or even just pure awareness, without any discernible content.
This observer seems to be able to be “covered up”, so to speak, by the contents of experience. It becomes so involved in thoughts, experiences and so on that it temporarily is “lost”, or perhaps entangled is the right word. (Here I’m are using words to describe experiences that can’t really be described, but what can be done? There is still the need to talk about it, to investigate it between persons using language.)
It’s possible to press a bit further with the investigation of our awareness. If one closes one’s eyes, and tries to find an “edge” or end to awareness, it can never be found. So there is a kind of limitless nature to awareness. It seems like an open, empty space which could theoretically be filled by anything and everything. Try to “feel” or discover yourself whether you think your awareness could ever really reject anything that fell within its perception. Notice the emphasis on feel - this is an investigation of experience, it is not an attempt to try to describe experience with words.
Another thing to discover about awareness: if we can just sit in awareness, watching thoughts, feelings and sense impressions go by, a wonderful peace can envelop us. In such a state, there is no striving, no sensation of lack, just a contented “isness” to enjoy. Can you discover this yourself?
I think if you engage with those meditations you’ll find that awareness (or the observer, or consciousness) is quite mysterious. By just considering the “bare bones” experience of our natural condition, without considering any other philosophies, theologies or revelations, we find that awareness has an open, spacious, limitless contentedness to it.
This is quite a discovery to make if one can manage it. But what of the experience of God’s joy that was initially what sent us off on this journey to enquire about the nature of our experience?
A connection with God
If we are to have a real connection with God, and an experience of Him-Who-Is, where do we expect to find this connection? In our thoughts, or in the deeper experience of awareness?
We can surely experience something of God in our thoughts and feelings. Prophets down through the ages “hear” God in some fashion in their thoughts; and many who are reading this will have experienced religious feelings in different contexts. This is all well and good.
But it seems to me that, given the experiential understanding we now have of our natural capacity of awareness, it’s spacious limitlessness and inherent peace, we should expect the joy of God and his fullness to come via that route. For this capacity is much more like God than our limited thoughts and feelings; much more likely the wide open path from which we travel from our finitude to the infinite being of God.
This is perhaps a different route to understanding the arrival of mystical prayer, but it is not foreign to traditional Christian mysticism. Indeed, all mystics speak of a stage where their prayer becomes wordless and concept-less. The same mystics would claim that prayer must eventually become like this if we are to reach the highest states of mystical union with God.
Therefore practices like mindfulness, breath meditation, mantra meditation, Centering Prayer or the Jesus Prayer, which Christians sometimes sneer at as too “eastern”, in my view, should not be easily dismissed, but rather can be effective ways of cultivating this natural capacity of awareness that God has given to us. It is, in my view, the inner capacity that is most like the open, expansive, inclusive Being of God - rather than, say, the discursive intellect, memory or will.
So I would suggest that this is the natural “channel” we should cultivate and prepare for the arrival of God. We should learn to “sit” more in knowing awareness, awake with lamps lit. Then we will be ready when the master comes with his joy, with the hope that it may take up residence within us and become complete.